Rio Club Review

Well guys, I’m screwed. As of April 30th, 2002, I`ve left Rio de Janiero. Estou fudido. Where is Mr. Bean off to next??? Either NY or MA, but I’m not too sure yet. Just because Mr. Bean’s life is messed up for the present moment does not mean your’s needs to be. So if you want to party like a rock star in Rio, here’s your guide¦

Sister Moon (San Conrado) I’m putting this place in first, because it needs to be slammed the most. Scotty, his bro Danny, and myself all rolled in there one night. I got in free because my Portugues was ok, but Scotty and Danny were each charged $20 Reals, which was not included into the Minimum Consumption (as in, they were charged a cover charge). After looking in the bar, and determining all the women were hideous (the few that were there), we decided to ditch. On the way out, they tried making all of us pay minimums of $40 Reals. The problem is that none of the Brazilians in the club were charged the original $20 Reals cover. No other clubs in Rio charges a cover charge in addition to minimum consumption, especially when they are empty. Ditch the Gringo tax by ditching this bar. Take your dollar somewhere where they treat Americans properly and don’t try to scam.Music 5, Girls 2, Ambiance 4

Nuth (Barra) The best of the best, the cr̬me of the cr̬me, this is the place to go any night, from Wednesday to Sunday- Wednesday and Sunday being the most packed. The scantily clad women, shaking their delicious bodies, are the hottest Rio has to offer (that is Рwithout paying for the girls). The women generally speak English. Most people have dinner on the second floor, while dancing and partying hard on the first floor. Make reservations in advance before 7, because the line is unpredictable, and people who know the bouncers and the promoters end up getting in before people in line. I suggest going around 9:30 when no one is around without reservations. Make sure the person who makes reservations speaks Portuguese. The minimum consumption is $40 Reals.Music 5, Girls 10, Ambiance 8.5

Baronette (Ipanema) On Saturdays, this dinner lounge/club is the best in Rio. The sushi is very fresh and tasty, as are the women, which start to pack the club around 11:30. Make sure to get one of the very coveted tables on the second floor, where everyone is dancing. At $55 Reals, the minimum consumption keeps the classless out. Get there around 10 for a dinner table on the first floor.Music 7, Girls 9, Ambiance 9

People (Leblon) On Thursday and Friday, People lounge has the better parties in Rio. The women are on the same level as Nuth and Baronette, but carry a little stronger attitude. Nonetheless, this is one of Mr. Beans favorite clubs, with more of a lounge on the first floor, and club music in the basement. After 11 (and sometimes 10:30), the crowd quickly rushes in, and getting in becomes a nightmare. Get there before 10:30 to get in with no problems. Minimum is $40 Reals.Music 8, Girls 8.5, Ambiance 8

Meli Melo (Lagoa) Tuesday, Meli Melo has it’s big Afro Rio party, with percussions mixed in with hip-hop. The party is cool, but the crowd isn’t. Too often, the not nearly attractive enough girls carry an attitude of epic proportion. Go there once to experience, and that’s good enough. Minimum is $40 Reals.Music 8, Girls 6, Ambiance 5

Rock in Rio (Barra) 17-19 year old princesses abound, and so do their college boyfriends. But rest assured, there are enough cuties to make this place worth visiting once. Friday and Saturday are generally good nights. Minimum is $40 Reals.Music 3, Girls 7, Ambiance 6

Studio 54 (Barra) Young hotties abound in this two floor club held in New York City. If you are looking for class, don’t come, but if on the other hand, you are looking to get lucky, maybe you should. Girls are slightly easier. Minimum is $40 Reals.Music 4, Girls 7, Ambiance 5

Prelude (Lagoa) All the hotties in by 12:00, followed by the entrance of Brazilian chorizo (saugage) at 1:00 AM. An hour to work, which is not much. After that, way too many people are stuck in this tight space, and people are unaware aware of there surroundings keep bumping into each other. If you happen to go, note the outdoor tables when there is just too much chorizo too handle.Music 5, Girls 7, Ambiance 7

Six (Lappa) Six is a Webster Hall styled club, with 3 full floors, filled with hip-hop and tech. Chicks have been harder as of late, since more and more guys visit the club. Nonetheless, the party is energized, and there is potential to hook up. Also note, most of the jiu-jitsu guys like this club on Saturdays.Music 7, Girls 7, Ambiance 7

Emporio (Ipanema) Styled to be an American bar, Emporio plays lots of rock music, and has a mixed Gringo/Brazilian crowd. When in need to drink cheap, order up super strong Cuba Libre’s and Gin Tonica’s for $4.50. The crowd is sleezy and shady, but an occasional hot chick can be separated from the drunken masses.Music 5, Girls 5, Ambiance 3

Shenanigan’s(Leblon) Irish bar located in Leblon, this place attracts gringho’s – those women who are primarily looking for an American/European foreigner. The drinks are fair in strength, prices normal, and the crowd – unfortunately – gringo. If you do happen to wander in, notice how many of the perfectly speaking English girls haven’t been to the states, and happen to teach English. Go figure…Music 6, Girls 6, Ambiance 5

How to Pimp For the inexperienced Gringo, Mr. Bean suggests to get a table, order several bottles of Champaign with his American friends, and call women over to sit down and drink with him, and then later kiss him. It’s expensive, but it’s simple, and requires very little Portuguese. Good luck, and party like a rock star!!!! And if you’re like me, throw in a bottle of Johnny Walker, Black Label, while you are at it.

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Mr. Bean